how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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