Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
