im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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