Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize