Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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