just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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