My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So. Much. Porn.
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