I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
