So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
