when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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