When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
