We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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