I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
