There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
