I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
