So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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