I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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