hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
