Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
