when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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