the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
