There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
