you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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