Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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