I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
