Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
