dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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