You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
