That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
