I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
