Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
