Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
