just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
