Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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