I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
