why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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