just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
