i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
