i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
