maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
