just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
