Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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