Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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