My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
