I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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