I bet he comes in French.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
