dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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