Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize