I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
