Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
