I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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