Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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