Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
