Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize