CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
