girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
