I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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