I think im going to throw up on grandma
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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