if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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